I’m tired of being a Christian

I recently posted an article on Facebook about an atheist pastor of a Christian church. I mentioned I could see myself attending something like that. I was then asked if I no longer believe in God. This explains why I would sometimes prefer an atheist pastor over a Christian on.

Kelsey Hough-Munger

I’m tired. I’m tired of being a Christian. People say it’s only a term, only a word but that word feels like the lead apron at the dentist’s office. It’s pushing down on me from all sides, clipped tightly around my neck. It carries the weight of the hearts that have been wounded and the spirits that have been broken in the name of Christianity.

It carries the weight of teenagers who have been kicked out of their homes — gay teens and unwed mothers. It carries the weight of women who have been told to submit to their abusive husbands. It carries the weight of women who question their value, their worth, because they were raped or had sex with someone they loved before they were married. It carries the weight of so many tears that have been shed after someone was verbally accosted by a Christian. It carries…

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When he became a she – walking in love

walking in love blogThe other day, Zac and I went into a retail store and were greeted by an associate.

I soon recognized the associate as someone I used to go to church with years ago. Someone close to my age, who I had shared many years sitting next to in our small little church.

But, he had changed.

He was now a she.

I could tell my friend recognized me, but didn’t think I would recognize them. They helped me around the store and their hands were shaking almost uncontrollably the entire time.

I knew why.

They were afraid.

Afraid of what I might say if I caught onto who they were.

Afraid of seeing the shocked Christian look of horror on my face.

Afraid of my judgement or God knows what Bible verses I just might hurl at them.

Afraid of being shamed.

And it BROKE MY HEART.

I decided to…

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DD for a Day

Last Wednesday I was DD for a Day…and I don’t mean Designated Driver.  I was Deeply Depressed.  It really caught me off guard.  For the past couple of years I’ve been doing really well in relation to my depression.  Sure, I’ve had days where I felt “blah” from time to time.  I’ve even had a few days in a row of feeling “blah.”

This was different…VERY DIFFERENT.

It was my day off and I had looked forward to doing some cleaning and organizing.  Nothing unusual happened the day before.  But the first time I opened my eyes that morning I knew I wasn’t going to be productive.  I felt a weight so HEAVY.  Heavy on me like it had been in the past.  You know that heavy that makes it nearly impossible to even roll over in bed.

I ignored several phone calls that day.  I never felt hungry.  Other than taking my pills and using the restroom I stayed in bed.

I COULD NOT GET OUT OF BED.

Late afternoon, I did manage to get dressed.  I had agreed to take Tommy to the grocery store.  The only reason I didn’t cancel is because he had already called twice and I knew it would only take about 30 minutes.

That was it.  That was all I did that day.  I think I ate something for dinner…I don’t really remember.  I tried to watch TV, but it was only noise and moving images.  Nothing was forming a story for me to follow.  Nothing could get through that heavy weight over me.

I tried to rest/sleep on the couch that evening.  I was restless.  I couldn’t focus worth a crap.  I finally decided to just go to the bed.  If I didn’t automatically put on my pjs when I got home, I would have gone to bed in my clothes.  I didn’t turn the TV or lights off.  I didn’t even take my evening pills.  I just couldn’t do…I couldn’t do anything.

Then I woke up Thursday morning.  That weight that kept me in bed almost all of Wednesday had been lifted.  I was no longer deeply depressed.  I was now back to just a “blah” day.  It felt like night and day.  I still stayed in bed until time to get ready for work, but that was by choice, not because of that super heavy weight.

After work I did an errand for a friend and a load of laundry.  I started planning for Saturday, my next day off.  Saturday came and I did the cleaning and organizing I had planned for Wednesday.  It was as if being DD for a Day had a never happened.

Looking back now, it seems surreal.  I had been in a deep, intense fog for a day.  One day in that fog.  Then it was gone.  How does that happen?  Why was I fortunate to have it lift so quickly?  Why did it even come in the first place?

I may never know.  I do know how much I totally appreciate the days that the fog is not around.