I’m tired of being a Christian

I recently posted an article on Facebook about an atheist pastor of a Christian church. I mentioned I could see myself attending something like that. I was then asked if I no longer believe in God. This explains why I would sometimes prefer an atheist pastor over a Christian on.

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When he became a she – walking in love

just a jesus follower

walking in love blogThe other day, Zac and I went into a retail store and were greeted by an associate.

I soon recognized the associate as someone I used to go to church with years ago. Someone close to my age, who I had shared many years sitting next to in our small little church.

But, he had changed.

He was now a she.

I could tell my friend recognized me, but didn’t think I would recognize them. They helped me around the store and their hands were shaking almost uncontrollably the entire time.

I knew why.

They were afraid.

Afraid of what I might say if I caught onto who they were.

Afraid of seeing the shocked Christian look of horror on my face.

Afraid of my judgement or God knows what Bible verses I just might hurl at them.

Afraid of being shamed.

And it BROKE MY HEART.

I decided to…

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DD for a Day

Last Wednesday I was DD for a Day…and I don’t mean Designated Driver.  I was Deeply Depressed.  It really caught me off guard.  For the past couple of years I’ve been doing really well in relation to my depression.  Sure, I’ve had days where I felt “blah” from time to time.  I’ve even had a few days in a row of feeling “blah.”

This was different…VERY DIFFERENT.

It was my day off and I had looked forward to doing some cleaning and organizing.  Nothing unusual happened the day before.  But the first time I opened my eyes that morning I knew I wasn’t going to be productive.  I felt a weight so HEAVY.  Heavy on me like it had been in the past.  You know that heavy that makes it nearly impossible to even roll over in bed.

I ignored several phone calls that day.  I never felt hungry.  Other than taking my pills and using the restroom I stayed in bed.

I COULD NOT GET OUT OF BED.

Late afternoon, I did manage to get dressed.  I had agreed to take Tommy to the grocery store.  The only reason I didn’t cancel is because he had already called twice and I knew it would only take about 30 minutes.

That was it.  That was all I did that day.  I think I ate something for dinner…I don’t really remember.  I tried to watch TV, but it was only noise and moving images.  Nothing was forming a story for me to follow.  Nothing could get through that heavy weight over me.

I tried to rest/sleep on the couch that evening.  I was restless.  I couldn’t focus worth a crap.  I finally decided to just go to the bed.  If I didn’t automatically put on my pjs when I got home, I would have gone to bed in my clothes.  I didn’t turn the TV or lights off.  I didn’t even take my evening pills.  I just couldn’t do…I couldn’t do anything.

Then I woke up Thursday morning.  That weight that kept me in bed almost all of Wednesday had been lifted.  I was no longer deeply depressed.  I was now back to just a “blah” day.  It felt like night and day.  I still stayed in bed until time to get ready for work, but that was by choice, not because of that super heavy weight.

After work I did an errand for a friend and a load of laundry.  I started planning for Saturday, my next day off.  Saturday came and I did the cleaning and organizing I had planned for Wednesday.  It was as if being DD for a Day had a never happened.

Looking back now, it seems surreal.  I had been in a deep, intense fog for a day.  One day in that fog.  Then it was gone.  How does that happen?  Why was I fortunate to have it lift so quickly?  Why did it even come in the first place?

I may never know.  I do know how much I totally appreciate the days that the fog is not around.