I recently posted an article on Facebook about an atheist pastor of a Christian church. I mentioned I could see myself attending something like that. I was then asked if I no longer believe in God. This explains why I would sometimes prefer an atheist pastor over a Christian on.
The other day, Zac and I went into a retail store and were greeted by an associate.
I soon recognized the associate as someone I used to go to church with years ago. Someone close to my age, who I had shared many years sitting next to in our small little church.
But, he had changed.
He was now a she.
I could tell my friend recognized me, but didn’t think I would recognize them. They helped me around the store and their hands were shaking almost uncontrollably the entire time.
I knew why.
They were afraid.
Afraid of what I might say if I caught onto who they were.
Afraid of seeing the shocked Christian look of horror on my face.
Afraid of my judgement or God knows what Bible verses I just might hurl at them.
Afraid of being shamed.
And it BROKE MY HEART.
I decided to…
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Last Wednesday I was DD for a Day…and I don’t mean Designated Driver. I was Deeply Depressed. It really caught me off guard. For the past couple of years I’ve been doing really well in relation to my depression. Sure, I’ve had days where I felt “blah” from time to time. I’ve even had a few days in a row of feeling “blah.”
This was different…VERY DIFFERENT.
It was my day off and I had looked forward to doing some cleaning and organizing. Nothing unusual happened the day before. But the first time I opened my eyes that morning I knew I wasn’t going to be productive. I felt a weight so HEAVY. Heavy on me like it had been in the past. You know that heavy that makes it nearly impossible to even roll over in bed.
I ignored several phone calls that day. I never felt hungry. Other than taking my pills and using the restroom I stayed in bed.
I COULD NOT GET OUT OF BED.
Late afternoon, I did manage to get dressed. I had agreed to take Tommy to the grocery store. The only reason I didn’t cancel is because he had already called twice and I knew it would only take about 30 minutes.
That was it. That was all I did that day. I think I ate something for dinner…I don’t really remember. I tried to watch TV, but it was only noise and moving images. Nothing was forming a story for me to follow. Nothing could get through that heavy weight over me.
I tried to rest/sleep on the couch that evening. I was restless. I couldn’t focus worth a crap. I finally decided to just go to the bed. If I didn’t automatically put on my pjs when I got home, I would have gone to bed in my clothes. I didn’t turn the TV or lights off. I didn’t even take my evening pills. I just couldn’t do…I couldn’t do anything.
Then I woke up Thursday morning. That weight that kept me in bed almost all of Wednesday had been lifted. I was no longer deeply depressed. I was now back to just a “blah” day. It felt like night and day. I still stayed in bed until time to get ready for work, but that was by choice, not because of that super heavy weight.
After work I did an errand for a friend and a load of laundry. I started planning for Saturday, my next day off. Saturday came and I did the cleaning and organizing I had planned for Wednesday. It was as if being DD for a Day had a never happened.
Looking back now, it seems surreal. I had been in a deep, intense fog for a day. One day in that fog. Then it was gone. How does that happen? Why was I fortunate to have it lift so quickly? Why did it even come in the first place?
I may never know. I do know how much I totally appreciate the days that the fog is not around.